|(No original source found, Pinterest)|
I should start this story by admitting that for the last few months I have been soul searching, growing, and changing internally and some of this had led me to doubt my faith, to wonder if God was real, and if and why I was a believer. Something that has always troubled me in my faith was that it had to be so regimented. I felt as though, if I were a true believer in God I could not question what I was taught was Godly. To me, I felt trapped in a box by religion that said believing in my own notion of God, the universe, or manifest destiny made me a bad Christian. The thing is, I'm human. I am curious, thirsty for new knowledge and fulfillment, I believe in the power of my own mind, and I don't believe that things are, or even can be, black and white. And then there are so many things in this world that can elicit doubt and disbelief.
My first contraindications of God stemmed from becoming vegan, and wondering why God would allow so much unnecessary suffering to feed his flock. The "biblical" argument for that is that God put animals in the subjection of man after the flood. But doesn't logic say that it was because on an Earth covered in water there would be no plants for sustenance? And now that there are, wouldn't that have shifted? Do Christians put so much stock in history that they can not see when a practice is no longer relevant or acceptable?
Then I got back into yoga, and started reading a little about meditation, and Buddhism. The thing that appealed to me most about Buddhism is that it's more a scientific take on human thought and controlled emotion than about regiment and set rules. Buddhism of course is not without it's faults, but I find many practices worthy of adopting. Being the free-spirit that I am, believing in Buddhist practices and ideals didn't make me feel as though I couldn't believe in whatever else I wanted in unison.
I've also been in a spell in my life were I have felt so settled, not in upheaval, not overly excited, which can cause complacency and unfeeling. I've continued to speak to God, as I have my whole life, and beg the question, "Are you there?"
This is where things get real...as I laid on my daughter's floor last night pretending to sleep until she succumbed, my imagination was running away with me. I've had my paternal grandma on my mind a lot lately, so I was thinking about giving her a call, and I was thinking about seeing her in June when I go to Idaho to visit. Then it hit me, and forgive me if this is morbid, but there is usually a reason when I have someone so strongly on my heart (I'm an extremely sensitive, intuitive person), and so my mind went into overdrive with worry. I have this habit of imagining horrific things, not the gory or ghastly type of horrific, but the actions and reactions of grief surrounding bad circumstances. I found myself imagining that I lost her, I could see myself going back to her house and just sobbing, sitting in her quiet living room. I saw myself speaking at her funeral, of her life, her impact on others, on how she shaped me, and what she taught me, about how God's light was tangible in her, how she inspired others to seek him (myself included) and how she was alive in her glorification of Him. That's when it hit me, this time my brain wasn't reacting to my heart telling me that something was going to happen to her, it was being opened up by God to see something bigger, Him. My grandmother has always been the one to gently nudge me back to His arms, and since she's so far away right now He found a way to use her as the answer to my question, "Are you there God?" And it did not go unheard...
As I laid there crying silent tears of realization, of regret, and then joy I felt comforted, and held like I have so many other times in my life when I needed it. This time I didn't even know I needed it, until He told me so. I feel like He was teaching me something about my love, and about Him, and that He took an opportunity to make me ready for something that He wants me to do. Right now I feel loved as I am, for what I do and don't believe, because His love never fails. I may have never known what that really meant before. It feels like being blessed, there is no other way I can describe it.
I share this here because I felt extremely compelled to. I may or may not continue to discuss things of this nature, depending on how my life progresses, but I hope that whether you hate or love it, you're glad to have heard my experience. I offer up and accept no judgment about spirituality in this space. It is an extremely personal thing and this is mine. Take it or leave it, and thank you for reading.